Get Naked for LOVE and SEX

 

Let’s talk about sex. This secret is about your love-life.

 

OK,  it’s not only  about sex. I hope that isn’t a secret.  But I bet sex is an important part of love for you, and it should be. But love, needs to be more than sex. If you’ve been focusing on Grindr you may have found some fun but probably not love.

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Quick hook ups provide important physical release, but that same lonely, empty, feeling will return pretty quickly. Don’t worry you coupled men out there listening to this. This is about you too. If you’re not happy in your current relationship the reasons may not be what you think.

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Do you know what you what you want in a man? Most men I talk to don’t really have that figured out. Sure they can talk about the superficial qualities, but, do you think that’s the path to a healthy long-term relationship?

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Are you naked enough with the people you meet? Do they have any idea what you’re actually bringing to the table, who you really are? Ask yourself this, do you want to be with someone just because they love your dick, or your ass? That would get tired pretty quickly.

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Most of us have no idea what a love relationship between two men should look like. Let’s face it, we didn’t have many, or any, role models for that growing up. Things are different between two men. Sex moves way up on the priority list, certainly at the beginning. We also have to be more open with each other about sex because it isn’t always clear what’s going happen when we hop into bed.

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So, I’m not suggesting that you ignore sex. That would be crazy. But, there’s a lot more to life, and love, than fucking. If you view sex as the glue that holds two men together until they’ve formed a more powerful bond you’re moving in the right direction. That more powerful bond, is true intimacy.

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Oh and by the way. The ideas that there is only one person out there who you are meant to be with, that they will somehow complete you, that you’ll never be attracted to any one again, they’re all lies. It is impossible that there aren’t a significant number of men out there who are a great fit for you.

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So, if  there are prince charmings out there how are you going to find one?

My most powerful secret for finding love, whether you’ve never been in a serious relationship, you’re in one now that isn’t what you’d hoped, or you just keep hopping from guy to guy never seeming to find quite the right fit, the issue is the same. ALL, yes, ALL, successful relationships are based on deeply held shared values. 

OK I know, nothing surprising there right? Well actually, the issue is you probably don’t really understand what that means. We’ve all been so saturated with that “family values” garbage that we confuse right wing rhetoric with a key aspect of our personalities. Values are simply the things that are most important to you in life. Values are contextual, they are different in every area of your life. Your most powerful, and important values are UNCONSCIOUS. That means you may not even be aware of them hiding  just under the surface but having a huge impact on your life. Your values can also be conflicted. That means that something you used to believe is no longer true for you.  You have a new belief, and the two are constantly pulling you in different directions. 

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Luckily figuring out what those values are and clearing up the conflicts is possible. All it takes is some focus and someone to guide you through the process. But, until you have it figured out success in your relationships will be a crap shoot based on superficial attraction, and not really understanding what you actually want from life, or love.

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You’re differences make things exciting. What you have in common keeps you together. So if sex is an important part of a relationship to you, it sure is for me, then great sex is one of your values. If you want to find someone you actually love being with, if your tired of constantly running to the next best thing, if you’re completely confused about why you’re in your current relationship, then you need to look at yourself.

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My husband and I have been together for ten years. We’ve both had a couple of long-term relationships with men that are still in our lives. The issue was never that they weren’t good people, it’s just after nine years or so the differences started to become problems and there just weren’t enough things in common to hold those relationships together.

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How do I know that he’s the perfect  fit for me. My previous relationship broke up about 18 months before I met Jack because I had fallen in love with someone else. I thought the sun rose and set over this new guy. The chemistry was insane. He was tall, hot, and great in bed.  To top it all off he was an artist. We even had similar tattoos. He was PERFECT.

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There were also a whole lot of issues with our relationship. We met partying and our bond was mainly based on getting high together. Brilliant, no? When it fell apart I gave my head good shake. Then started to look at what I really wanted. How could I find someone who was worth being with, who I could last with in the long term, and who I actually liked? Once I figured out what’s important to me in a partner,  who I was looking for became crystal clear. When I found Jack I knew immediately. That instant reaction was confirmed as we got to know each other. After ten years the values that attracted us, like great sex, the importance of family, deep committed love, and generosity, are still keeping us together.

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I’m not saying that your values need to be the same as ours. They’re probably completely different.  But if you don’t know what they are then you’re going to keep repeating the same old pattern. If you can’t accept yourself, what you really want,  you’re going to keep sabotaging every relationship you have.

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Because of my experience as an abuse survivor I’ve become sensitive to the signs in other people. I’ve had the opportunity to help a few people see what’s really going in their relationships. After a number years together one client came clean about the constant emotional abuse that he was suffering at the hands of his husband. Even worse, the other guy had barely worked and the thanks my client got for supporting him was the abuse. He was fortunate enough to have a place to retreat to immediately. When I explained that the emotional abuse would eventually lead to physical abuse as well, he realized it was time to get the hell out.

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Having someone you trust, with some perspective on what’s really happening can be invaluable when you face that kind of struggle. I hate encouraging anyone to leave a relationship, but sometimes, you have no choice.

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You CAN have an amazing relationship. It may not look like what you’re dreaming of right now because THAT might not be what you actually want. Don’t let what you think is important drive you into yet another unsatisfying connection that just doesn’t last. Don’t let unreasonable expectations and fear stop you from even trying to find someone who’s right for you. By all means don’t give up on the love you have before trying to understand how you can change it so it can work.

 

Click here to explore Getting Naked with your Family

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